Why Your F1 Team Sucks 2019: ROKiT Williams Racing

"Arch Duke Maxyenko, Shit Talk Extraordinaire" (arch-duke-maxyenko) 02/19/2019 at 10:00 • Filed to: Why Your F1 Team Sucks 2019

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Some people are fans of Williams Racing. But many more people are NOT fans of the Williams Racing. This 2019 Oppositelock team preview is for those in the latter group. This is also a poor knockoff of !!!error: Indecipherable SUB-paragraph formatting!!!

Your Team: Williams Martini ROKiT Williams Racing

Your 2018 results: 7 POINTS. DEAD. FUCKING. LAST. Some might say, “hey at least they scored points.” But, those people are delusional and should not be spoken to unless you need a sad handjob behind the port-a-potties while you clench your participation trophy while you cry. Is that too mean? FUCK NO. This team had the might of the Mercedes power unit, a historically strong engineering team and Paddy Lowe. To give you an idea on how terrible scoring 7 points is, Marcus Ericsson outscored this entire team in 2018. ERICSSON! Anyway, this was the worst year Williams Racing had since they ran 1 customer car in 1977. Pathetic. Oh well, it’s not like they can get any worse, right…

Your Car: FW42

Off to a good start in 2019 with everything going to pla/RECORD SCRATCH/ HAHAHAHAHAHA. Fucking NOPE. Pretest shake down: Canceled. First day of testing: Canceled. Second day of testing: Also canceled.

Well at least the car is all new from last year’s undrivable mockery of an F1 car.

Your Team Principal: Claire Williams, just kidding, it’s still Frank, well on paper it is. Reports are that it’s more chaos than anything. Stability is a core foundation of a successful team, I read that on an inspirational poster once. Backing up this father-daughter dance is technical chief Paddy Lowe who has 7 world title cars to his name, but it’s looking like he may be getting das boot soon. We’ll circle back to this soon.

Your Drivers: Robert Kubica and George Russell.

Kubica is BACK BITCHES! (shoots guns into the air) He is a true inspiration and has one of the ultimate comeback stories after his horrific, near fatal rally wreck that saw him almost lose an arm. You’ll be hearing that multiple times this year, and this is no exception. But, he also hasn’t raced an F1 car in 8 years. We’re pulling for him, nonetheless.

George Russell !!!error: Indecipherable SUB-paragraph formatting!!! , on the, nope not going to say it, is here in F1 thanks to a truly inspirational !!!error: Indecipherable SUB-paragraph formatting!!! presentation. He also won the 2018 F2 championship, so he’s a hot shoe in the lower series, which is perfect for a modern Williams car. HEY-OH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

What’s new that sucks: Due to new for 2019 sporting regulations, the cars have been slowed down by new aerodynamic rules. Williams can’t afford to get any slower, so good luck there. You also have the constantly changing staff and engineers at Williams so who knows who will be left to actually start the season. Brexit will also bring a whole new level of challenges to all of the British based teams, so this will be fun. (Narrator voice: It was not fun) The new title sponsor means a new livery which isn’t Martini strips, and that fucking lame. This sponsor ROKiT is also completely unknown so the money might be there, it also might dry up quicker than (insert sexual reference here). Speaking of money...

What’s always sucked: Money! Running a racing team costs so much money. An F1 team requires the GDP of a small 1st world country in order to be competitive and even though Williams gets a piece of that sweet, sweet historical constructors’ compensation, they never seem to have enough money to do more than barely tread water. The last time Williams won a race was in 2012 with this guy behind the wheel:

God help us all.

What might not suck: Those aforementioned new areo regulations apply to all teams, so it’s very possible for one of the smaller teams to get clever and get a early season jump on the competition. It worked for Brawn in 2009 and gave the sport a much needed underdog story it’s longing for again. Williams also gets the all new and improved Mercedes power unit, so it might be enough to drag them up from the depths.

Next up: Scuderia Toro Rosso

CarsofFortLangley - Oppo Forever > Arch Duke Maxyenko, Shit Talk Extraordinaire 02/19/2019 at 10:04

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Thomas Donohue > Arch Duke Maxyenko, Shit Talk Extraordinaire 02/19/2019 at 10:06

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Hmm...maybe it was just the colors that I liked.

farscythe - makin da cawfee! > Arch Duke Maxyenko, Shit Talk Extraordinaire 02/19/2019 at 10:09

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Im not convinced they actually have a car this year

I'll believe it when I see it on the track

Arch Duke Maxyenko, Shit Talk Extraordinaire > farscythe - makin da cawfee! 02/19/2019 at 10:10

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ITA97, now with more Jag @ opposite-lock.com > Arch Duke Maxyenko, Shit Talk Extraordinaire 02/19/2019 at 10:14

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It’s a shame they don’t do shares to the FP any more, because this deserves to be there.

Arch Duke Maxyenko, Shit Talk Extraordinaire > ITA97, now with more Jag @ opposite-lock.com 02/19/2019 at 10:21

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Thanks, motherfucker, I appreciate it.

smobgirl > Arch Duke Maxyenko, Shit Talk Extraordinaire 02/19/2019 at 10:26

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If it’s on track tomorrow it needs to be on the move NOW...has there been a status update yet?

Textured Soy Protein > Arch Duke Maxyenko, Shit Talk Extraordinaire 02/19/2019 at 10:26

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ROKiT is supposedly a phone manufacturer . Except you can’t actually buy their phones... “ yet.” Their lineup of vaporware phones is weird as hell.

Arch Duke Maxyenko, Shit Talk Extraordinaire > smobgirl 02/19/2019 at 10:28

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Nope

Arch Duke Maxyenko, Shit Talk Extraordinaire > Textured Soy Protein 02/19/2019 at 10:28

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Dubious

interstate366, now In The Industry > Arch Duke Maxyenko, Shit Talk Extraordinaire 02/19/2019 at 10:29

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Is it though?

smobgirl > Arch Duke Maxyenko, Shit Talk Extraordinaire 02/19/2019 at 11:09

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Ah, just posted. Overnighting it and plan on running in the afternoon. Wonder how they’ll modify driving schedules since Latifi appears to have paid a pretty penny.

Arch Duke Maxyenko, Shit Talk Extraordinaire > smobgirl 02/19/2019 at 11:12

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They should run three cars at once, but they can’t.

415s30 W123TSXWaggoIIIIIIo ( •_•))°) > Arch Duke Maxyenko, Shit Talk Extraordinaire 02/19/2019 at 15:26

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Well if this rokit paid it’s ok, but there have been very dubious people trying to get in before. Sad Williams has a vapor ware phone for their biggest sponsor, the family has run out. I think Claire is doing everything, Frank must be out to lunch or it would be better. I want Kubica to get a good shot and it may be a disaster. 

Wheelerguy > Arch Duke Maxyenko, Shit Talk Extraordinaire 02/21/2019 at 08:27

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The only people who will be rooting for Williams, the saddest team in F1 today, are only there because they’re actually K ubica stans. And honestly, Williams don’t deserve him at this point. He could be anywhere at this point. Driving for Renault, or not Force India, or fuck, even Ferrari if we got back in time and Sergio just dumped all the money on him back in 2010 so Robert didn’t have any reason to go rallying and fuck up his arm.

If it wasn’t for him, Williams would be irrelevant. And that car had better be good or they’re gone in F1 forever.